GENESIS II: HOMOPOLAR, GOD DAMN IT! HOMOPOLAR!: STEPPING AWAY FROM GOD: IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?

Dear Sister Beth,

This is so strange.

This is the same problem an elder of Clairmont Presbyterian told me, when I showed up in person and asked if he would make sure Brother Owen received his hard copy of my copy of the emails I've sent both his Rev. Owen and our (mine and yours) Rev. Dr. Alice as I handed them to him. Then again I reiterated, if he would ask of their Rev. Owen to at least send me an email that he has at least received them; would be of some help to me even if not answering to them. Still have not heard from Brother Owen or even Sister Alice. But I have not been to Glenn Memorial with hard copies of these emails. So...do not know if Sister Alice is having problems receiving her emails same as you and Owen .

They were basically the same as yours; request for an audience with them first, together, before me attending different events within or associated with their Churches.

As I'm apparently unable arraigning this meeting between the heads of two different churches; our meeting with you has to be different.

It was within this meeting, my plan "boiling it down" for you; in front of witnesses as I have none "Abel" bringing of my own. Doesn't it say in the bible somewhere, something about bringing two witnesses with you the first time; then, going back for more two at a time ...if needing more. Although there are other pastors at your church below you; not quite "ABEL" seeing them parting as the neck on this body of St. Mark. They have the same interest needing protecting as yours. This is why wanting one most pragmatic from your congregation and one most spiritual. We are going to have a mini bible study discussion; topic of choice being of my choosing.

Well....the plan I'm hoping for at least anyway; but obviously your call. And there is nothing I can say or do about this. Except, be persistent if believing no other satisfactory choices as seen from my perspective.

"JIM.

I CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...YOUR FACE."

I am hearing impair; therefore round table discussion can be difficult, even stressful, exhausting by the time it's over, for me participating within. The more I don't hear, the less "Abel" following with my inputs into these discussions; the reason I have a tendency dominating conversations in the first place. What I hear is 1/3 what I hear, 1/3 what I lipread, and 1/3 what I fill in by context. Two thirds have nothing to do with hearing! But then again...they do. The more familiar I am with the topics, the less stress filling in the context. And of course, what topics do we all know best other than ourselves. We simply start off the bible study lesson with one of my understandings. And I think this is fair considering the Methodist Church had first crack at indoctrinating me.

I call it like I see it.

Most of my opinions I already know to be conjectures to begin with. And all that's necessary changing them...me hearing anything new making sense. In no way am I claiming to know the answers. But we have got to start somewhere.

"I CAN OF MY OWN SELF DO NOTHING:
AS I SENSE, I JUDGE:

AND MY JUDGMENT IS JUST,

NOT BECAUSE I SEEK THE WILL OF MY OWN, BUT THE WILL OF THY COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUSNESS WHICH COMETH BEFORE US."

And nothing happens until something moves.

But the more likely scenario, how can I counterpoint someone, or anyone for this matter, who's refusing to be counterpointed by me?

It's true!
It... IS POSSIBLE... to get the answer you want if you know how to word the questions; or avoid them them being asked in the first place! e.g. Why does God allows evil? I refuse playing this game. If they are still asking this question to this day and age, then obviously they already know roughly what the answer's going to be; even if you didn't know this. It's possible they may just want their new Reverend to feel at home. Unless maybe, they've never asked this question of one who also had a Doctor of Ministry Degree. Wouldn't hurt to see if the answer's any different. Betcha they ain't holding their breaths... waiting. Maybe even those who rolled their eyes every time this question asked...didn't this time around.

This is what happens when one gets pulled inside a circle from one side; then pushed and pulled, well...it felt that way... still...even while actually having fun from all the attentions suddenly new to me, all the way through to the other side of this circle. But there is no exit, except for one, the other side of this circle. And then, it was me trying to come back to it center; bringing along with me the lessons of my experiences. And, in the process, only now realizing, might have been there all along; alone the same from the very start.

HOW DOES ONE GO BACK TO GOD WHEN ONE NEVER REALLY STEPS AWAY FROM

GOD?

Here's the deal.

I was already a veterinarian when I finally gave into peer pressure; where the drugs are concerned at least...anyway. Neither a child. Nor unworldly. By no means not knowing any better.

So imagine what the peer pressure must be for those unworldly; made worse by parents unworldly okay with underage drinking by their two daughters while pretending they didn't know because they wanted their daughters popular. And they were; while entertaining friends at their home in Little Rock and well as social functions with their ninny's permission using the lake house. They actually had unspoken rules between them and their parents. Like gay men do with their monogamous relationships: it's mutually okay as long as the other does not officially know. I still have not been able cornering them into understanding how this would have been wrong to kids like me when their age!

But long before, while still growing up in small rural town of Prescott, Arkansas, then while continuing my education with University of Arkansas and on into LSU-SVM, the girls rejected me first. And please give me some room showing taste with this statement. Absolutely makes no sense risk breeding "Pro-Life's" like these!

But there is only so long one able doing this.

"YOU LEARN TO LIKE

WHAT YOU CAN GET."

Honestly, guys weren't interested in me much as a friend either...until I showed up in a gay bar one night second year of veterinary school. God Almighty how scared I was that night. Wasn't sure I even wanted to be gay. Didn't know of any.. .except stereotypes. They certainly didn't appeal to me! Then A.I.D.S came alone. Those didn't seem all too bad. And I was only there wanting to learn more about them. Still didn't know yet I wanted the attention bad enough to give it a try.

Just tired of being sad.

What was the lesson to be learned from...

SHENANDOAH VALLEY?

Seems like I remember it being,

"MORE IMPORTANT

LIKE THEM BEFORE YOU LOVE THEM!"

Or
maybe it was,

"LIKE THEM BEFORE YOU MARRY
THEM?"

Ghee I don't know...?
Maybe this could be a bible study lesson!

If you haven't seen the movie DOUBT yet....YOU MUST.
Something I would insist on as part of any group. No one seen the same movie after this ones over. The movie itself is like a tool that teases you in, then purposely leaving you unsettled; definitely made me wishing I had someone discussing this movie with immediately afterwards.

But it had to wait until my mother and sister visited again. Actually looked forward to that visit! My sister hated that movie; even began suggesting movies she'd like to watch almost the second stepping into my home here in Atlanta when visiting me with our mother from Arkansas. It was not my mother getting upset any gay scenes this time but my mother needing to console my sister after this movie over. This was not exactly the discussion I was expecting to have with them. I just let it go.

God how I wish I knew just what it was getting my sister upset. Not 100 percent sure this wasn't an conscientious evasive maneuver, either. Would ALSO be going against the rules.

I had eventually ended up compromising with them about these visit of theirs which were only upsetting me more than helping me in any way the the Crystal Meths addiction.

1. They could come visit me anytime they wanted.

2. I talk about about whatever I felt needing to be talked about.

3. Whenever I felt it needing to be talked about.

4. However way I felt it needed to be said.

5. They could leave anytime they wanted if becoming too much.

6. I was not to be censored.

Anyway, again I must stress, not out to make friends; although would be nice.

By the way, used to have one until he pressured me into letting him move into my house. His name was Jed Speakman. He once was a member of St. Mark. He even was baptized as an adult there. I do not feel guilty in any way about not attending his baptism there. The whitewater rafting trip down the Ochoee River with members from your Church was fun; even a funny story could tell you about Harry Knox sitting in front of me. He wouldn't like it though.

But maybe, should I have been a little more sensitive with Jed during the middle of this movie, DEAD MAN WALKING? I've already told you this story after service the first time I attended. But I found out after the second service attending, when chatting with someone I recognized from this rafting trip,

Jed still died anyway.

Pity.

Shame I didn't hear him correctly the first time, "MY FACE" definitely makes more sense...still.

Although, how asking "an outright atheist attending his baptism "would have helped him...would have been interesting to know?

Especially considering we first met at a sex club before the steroids began butching up the gay ones secondary to A.I.D.S and the straight ones started going metro sexual. And it's hard to tell the positive ones from the negative ones due to the increase in steroid use these days. It is possible to be both; happier afterwards than before. Can't help but wonder, "Certainly hope this isn't causing some seeking out the virus just to get the steroid as the precursor they saw necessary for the attention then fun?"

I eventually did; but this was an entirely different story... I COULD AFFORD THE STEROIDS WITHOUT NEEDING THE VIRUS! Not the same thing at all! But it definitely improved the quality of my tricks; one lasting three years, then a one year relationship quickly following the first one, then one lasting six months. Hasn't been any since. Anything meaningful beyond one night. Nor any of these the same. And I can't help but be pissed off at these three for fucking up a good thing I eventually had going. You can't miss anything you've never experienced.

"Wanting to die on the dance floor," someone once told me.

As he almost did, almost can't blame them anymore; if still more of them out there?

Now you know why I'm known to some as Suicide Jim: "One date with me and you just want to kill yourself."

But what about this Jed Speakman who died. In spite of knowing he had decided against surgery replacing a previous Aortic graphing about to blow with a second one needed soon, because they gave him only a 20 percent chance of surviving surgery second time around; he told me he could fall in love with me except for that one thing being my faith. Although relieved learning just an immaculate ejaculation not expecting me to reciprocate the same, I hope; how does that one thing, one's faith, change anything about a person claiming not to be in love with. Could he have been my first boyfriend had I wanted him to be; or breaking up with me before it never would have happened.

Oh well, guessed it all worked out fine in the end. At least I got the chance returning his supposedly insult with my supposedly insult, although completely accidentally a coincidence, all because of a personal god being hearing impaired and the other about to die.

Didn't give a flipping fuck what he thought of... MY FAITH.

But...MY FACE! Not when there are... THINGS ABOUT ME....making breaking up easy.

And it was also HIM who chased me that night at Sanctuary; the name of sex club we met first time! You don't walk around naked there. But he should have. Well....when factoring in that Atlanta is considered a bottom city. They won't give you the time of the day. But at this time in morning, this is not the question they ask you. I'm not sure why he even followed me home. Do not believe it was Sanctuary we played around the first time, EITHER. The more I think about it; hardly at all if anywhere.

That seems to be all I can remember about him.

"I DON'T CARE HOW BIG ONE'S DICK IS! ALL THAT I ASK, THAT IT'S NOT A FUNNY
LOOKING ONE!"

"OH WHAT A CHAIN SMOKER HE WAS TOO!"

If indeed there is a God; Voltaire be right:

God just a comedian playing before and audience too afraid to laugh.

How so strange all of you behave this way.

Why is it, I'm finding this so amusing/exciting!

All of the coincidence.

Just wanting to share them with you as I'm not making these up. Stories like these you just can't make them up.

And I'm "ABEL" seeing no reason why these stories of mine shouldn't be shared along beside the traditional ones driving them away from you to me then to you away from me.

Well...actually somewhere between me and you. Not sure where this is?

Intuition is telling me, Emory is in dire need of a reset...rude awakening. Definitely do not believe, and I'm not denying my behavior appears extremely bizarre to others, that the true denials not coming from my end of this perspective/spectrum. Not when I can find no one willing to hear me out unconditionally. Even my current sources of Crystal Meths always excuses not having the time letting them hearing these stories/observations of mine; nor wanting introducing me to their other friends. And I don't blame them really. This is their niche that's currently working out for them, although at great risk, nothing else left. Moving back in the supposedly right direction toward the correct behavior is impossible when it them denying what drove people the likes of me in the directions we went; in the first place. But for reason of their own, we have no right faulting these people the likes of me, for the lives they are currently living; not when we should be looking at how we, those of us with surpluses in our lives able better controlling their circumstances, are the ones to be blame instead before there can be any real changes.

These sad stories but with happy ending I'm currently observing being bused into Churches around here are a fucking joke!

And this is an example why I need explaining who I am in person. When I'm alone and start telling myself what to type I begin typing everything I suddenly remember before I forget. It's actually more a form of automatic writing than mind racing; but it also actually attention deficit as well.

As my story , definitely our story, a Methodist Story, a difficult story to tell, when no one wanting to hear....you tell me where it is I should go?

And I absolutely refuse taking happy drugs just so you can continue having a good time living your lives nothing more than a lie.

Not until after,

and this is only a maybe, a good enough hearing by me.